Can Cook sign off with a century? England v India clips, radio & text

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England v India – fifth Test, day four, The Oval – Live – BBC Sport


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Summary

  1. Cook brings up half-century in his final Test innings for England
  2. Opener needs 76 to surpass Sangakkara in 5th in all-time runscorers’ list
  3. First innings: England 332, India 292


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Ghazipur landfill: Despair over New Delhi’s deadly rubbish dump

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Delhi, India – On September 1 last year, 16-year-old Vishal Kumar had a parent-teacher meeting at his school in Kalyanvas in east Delhi.

He asked his cousin, 30-year-old Rajkumari, to attend the appointment on his parent’s behalf.

The pair mounted Rajkumari’s scooter in the afternoon, and had travelled two kilometres along the foothills of the Ghazipur landfill – a huge mountain of rubbish – when suddenly part of it crashed into a nearby canal.

The heaps of garbage created a surge of sewage that flung a car, two motorcyclists and Rajkumari’s scooter into another canal filled with contaminated water.

“It was a flood of trash,” says Kumar. “I saw heaps of garbage coming down the hill like a flood and suddenly, we were swept into the canal. For a moment, everything went dark,” he told Al Jazeera.

Vishal Kumar, 16, survived the Ghazipur landfill disaster in September last year [Nasir Kachroo/Al Jazeera]

Kumar was lucky.

A sudden thrust from within the canal pushed him on to the surface and he was rescued by the locals of Mullah Colony, only a few hundred meters away from the infamous landfill site.

He searched for his cousin, but there was no trace of her.

By the time police and the National Disaster Response Force (NDRF) arrived, two people were dead. 

One of them was Rajkumari.

She was the only child of 55-year-old widow Tara Chand and was set to be married on December 7 last year.

Chand, who lives in a two-room house in Khora Colony, had lost his wife to cancer three weeks before his daughter’s death.

“My daughter was everything to me. She was my world,” he told Al Jazeera.

Tara Chand sits by a photograph of his late daughter Rajkumari [Nasir Kachroo/Al Jazeera]

It took rescuers more than an hour to find her body among the rubbish in the canal. 

“When I saw my daughter’s body, my whole world was turned upside down. I had wished to see my daughter in a wedding dress and not in a shroud,” Chand said.

Following the disaster, dumping was halted at the Ghazipur landfill, which is spread over 28 hectares, on the direction of Delhi’s Lieutenant Governor, Anil Baijal.

But failing to find alternative sites, the East Delhi Municipal Corporation started dumping again within a week, according to residents.

On the first anniversary of the deadly incident, locals marched in remembrance of the victims and to protest against the continued use of the landfill.

The rubbish dump is now 65 metres tall, as high as the towers on London’s Tower Bridge or a city block, and just eight metres shy of Delhi’s Qutub Minar – the world’s tallest minaret made of bricks.

Children fall sick very often here. We want to breathe freely but we can’t. This mountain of trash has made our lives hell.

Muhammad Aslam, local trader

New Delhi generates as much as 9,500 tonnes of rubbish a day, saturating three main landfill sites – all of which have been at maximum capacity for 10 years.

Ghazipur was set up in 1984. Its height is not meant to surpass 20 meters.

An official at the East Delhi Municipal Corporation, who requested anonymity because he was not authorised to speak to media, told Al Jazeera: “The site crossed its proscribed height in 2002 and should have been closed 16 years ago.”

Delhi Municipal Corporation has attempted to stem the crisis and stop dumping, but failed.

Trucks enter the Ghazipur landfill site. On average, Delhi produces 9,500 tonnes of rubbish a day [Nasir Kachroo/Al Jazeera]

Atul Awasthi, a supervisor at Ghazipur landfill, told Al Jazeera that between 2,000 and 2,500 tonnes of rubbish are dumped daily.

Nearby, there is a large dairy farm, a buffalo slaughterhouse, a fish market and several residential areas.

The air is foul and canal water is dark brown, almost black.

Locals say it has made their lives miserable.

“Children fall sick very often here. We want to breathe freely but we can’t. This mountain of trash has made our lives hell,” said trader Muhammad Aslam. “When they burn the trash, it becomes very hard to breathe. Our doors and windows remain always shut.”

Aftab Alam, a 22-year-old social worker, says property prices have dropped by around 50 percent since last year’s deadly incident.

“People from good localities would never want their daughters to be married here,” he said.

The Indian government led by Prime Minister Narendra Modi has taken steps to clean up the country with its “Swachh Bharat Abhiyan” (Clean India Mission), which started in 2014. 

The government introduced waste management rules in 2016, which introduced fines for people who do not recycle rubbish.

And in June, Modi announced an ambitious pledge to eliminate all single-use plastic by 2022.

Residents say conditions at the site are so bad that their health is affected [Nasir Kachroo/Al Jazeera]

But experts say segregating waste in Delhi is a tall order.

“Among the metropolitans, Delhi is probably the biggest waste generator,” said Swati Singh Sambyal, a programme manager at the Center for Science and Environment in Delhi.

“Ideally, if we look at Delhi’s waste, only 10 to 15 percent of the quantum of the waste that is generated should go to the dumping sites but around 70 to 80 percent of the garbage gets disposed at these sites because we are not segregating the waste at source.

“Our approach is collection and dumping or burning, which is not a sustainable and viable solution.”

PK Khandelwal, chief engineer at the East Delhi Municipal Corporation, said however that things are getting better.

He claims that since last September, two alternative sites have been eyed but are yet to be approved and daily dumping has fallen at Ghazipur, with around 1,200 tonnes are processed at a nearby waste-to-energy plant for the generation of electricity.

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John Legend scores his EGOT at the Creative Emmys 2018

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John Legend finally earned his EGOT.

The star and executive producer of NBC’s Jesus Christ Superstar Live won his first Emmy Sunday at the Creative Arts Awards — which means he now owns an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony. His fellow JCS producers Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber also became members of the exclusive EGOT club for the live musical’s win in the Outstanding Variety Special category.

Phil McCarten/Invision/AP/REX/Shutterstock

Their fellow executive producer Craig Zadan, who died last month, was honored posthumously with an Emmy, as well.

Sunday’s non-televised ceremony was part two of the Creative Arts ceremony, which serves as a precursor to the big show next Monday on NBC.

Here are some of the night’s other big winners:

Outstanding Host For A Reality Or Reality-Competition Program: RuPaul, RePaul’s Drag Race

Outstanding Structured Reality Program: Queer Eye

Outstanding Unstructured Reality Program: United Shades Of America With W. Kamau Bell 

Outstanding Writing For A Variety Series: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver 

Outstanding Directing For A Variety Series: Saturday Night Live, Host Donald Glover

Outstanding Writing For A Nonfiction Program: Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown

Outstanding Picture Editing For A Nonfiction Program: Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown

Outstanding Costumes For Variety, Nonfiction Or Reality Programming: RuPaul’s Drag Race

Outstanding Short Form Variety Series: Carpool Karaoke: The Series

Outstanding Documentary Or Nonfiction Series: Wild Wild Country

Outstanding Narrator: Blue Planet II

Outstanding Short Form Nonfiction Or Reality Series: Anthony Bourdain: Explore Parts Unknown

Outstanding Informational Series Or Special: Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown 

Outstanding Variety Special (Pre-Recorded): Dave Chappelle: Equanimity

Outstanding Casting For A Reality Program: Queer Eye

Outstanding Choreography: So You Think You Can Dance,
Mandy Moore

Here are the winners from Saturday’s ceremony.

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Trump administration to close PLO office in Washington DC

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The United States will shut the Palestine Liberation Organisation’s diplomatic office in Washington DC over the Palestinian government’s refusal to enter into US-led negotiations with Israel.

“We have been notified by a US official of their decision to close the Palestinian mission to the US,” PLO secretary-general Saeb Erekat said in a statement on Monday.

“This is yet another affirmation of the Trump administration’s policy to collectively punish the Palestinian people, including by cutting financial support for humanitarian services including health and education.”

According to a draft text of a speech seen by the Wall Street Journal and Reuters, Trump‘s national security adviser, John Bolton, will also reportedly threaten the International Criminal Court (ICC) with sanctions if it carries out investigations into the US and Israel.

“The United States will always stand with our friend and ally, Israel,” Bolton is expected to say in his speech to the Federalist Society, a conservative group, in Washington DC.

“The Trump administration will not keep the office open when the Palestinians refuse to start direct and meaningful negotiations with Israel.”

WATCH: Dangerous consequences after US cuts funding for Palestinian refugees (2:54)

The speech is also expected to say that the Trump administration “will fight back” if the ICC formally proceeds with opening an investigation into alleged war crimes committed by US service members and intelligence professionals during the war in Afghanistan.

If such a probe proceeds, the Trump administration will consider banning judges and prosecutors from entering the US, put sanctions on any funds they have in the US financial system and prosecute them in US courts.

“We will not cooperate with the ICC. We will provide no assistance to the ICC. We will not join the ICC. We will let the ICC die on its own. After all, for all intents and purposes, the ICC is already dead to us,” the draft text said.

Deteriorating ties

The action against the PLO, which serves as the main entity representing the Palestinian people, is the latest in a series of measures by the Trump administration against the Palestinian leadership.

Over the past year, Jared Kushner, Trump’s son-in-law and senior adviser, has repeatedly questioned Mahmoud Abbas’ commitment to peace and Trump’s so-called “ultimate deal”.

The Palestinian leadership, which sees East Jerusalem as the capital of their future state, suspended contacts with the US, after Washington recognised Jerusalem as the capital of Israel late last year.

The Palestinians insist the status of the city is an issue to be negotiated between them and the Israelis.

Officials in the Gaza Strip, which has been administered by Hamas since 2007, have also previously blasted the US for its support to Israel, saying Washington has long lost its regional credibility.

The US gives Israel annual military aid of $3.1bn. Next year, that figure will increase to $3.8bn under a 10-year deal agreed by Barack Obama shortly before he stepped down as president.

While the details of Trump’s so-called “deal of the century” have not officially been released, leaks have suggested that the Palestinians would initially control the Gaza Strip and less than half of the occupied West Bank, while a Palestinian capital would be created from villages surrounding Jerusalem.

The Israelis would retain security control over the Jordan valley and have total control over Palestinian travel between the West Bank and Gaza, while a corridor will be created between Palestinian territory and Jerusalem’s holy sites.

It appears meanwhile that Palestinians would have to surrender the principle of the right of return of Palestinian refugees expelled during the creation of Israel, while the future of illegal Israeli settlements and the final border between Palestine and Israel would be decided at a later date.

Cut in funding 

Monday’s announcement comes just weeks after the US said it would cut more than $200m in economic aid for the Palestinians.

The US had planned to give the Palestinians $251m for good governance, health, education and funding for civil society in the current 2018 budget year that ends on September 30.

On Sunday, Haaretz reported that the US has also decided to cut more than $20m in foreign aid meant to support hospitals in East Jerusalem.

According to Haaretz, the hospitals treat Palestinian patients who require cancer and eye treatments.

The decision to cut funding comes amid a severe humanitarian crisis in the Gaza Strip, where more than 160 Palestinians protesting for their right to return to the areas from which they were forcibly expelled from in 1948 have been killed by Israeli gunfire since March 30 during weeks-long demonstrations near the fence with Israel.

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Fear the Walking Dead recap: Everyone has a lot to make up for

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Fear the Walking Dead

type
TV Show
Genre
Drama, Horror
run date
08/23/15
performer
Alycia Debnam-Carey, Lennie James, Garret Dillahunt, Jenna Elfman
broadcaster
AMC
seasons
4


We gave it a B

First things first, there’s some business to go over. I’ll admit, my theory last week about how zombie Pervis was the guy who started the whole truck stop “take what you need” trail of boxes was wrong. I see it, I hear it, I own it, I’m adjusting. “Polar Bear,” as Sarah and Wendell refer to the real guy, is actually played by actor Stephen Henderson, the man Luciana stumbles upon and seeks to help — which brings us to the common threads between the stories this week…

A lot of people are in need of some redemption. Luciana, Morgan, June, Sarah, Wendell, Polar Bear, and Victor (though he’s currently doing very little to admit as much) have all done things that they’re not proud of, and are facing a dilemma: should they put themselves in harms way and do the right thing, or do nothing and avoid the danger?

June and Morgan are both trying to leave their past lives behind them by trudging forth on a new path of helping others. Sarah and Wendell have been guilt-tripped to do the same. They call back June, Morgan, and Al, who’ve been out searching for Quinn, to the truck when Pervis, with all his facial markings, stumbles on their path. June is still trying to contact Quinn over the walkie, but the mysterious “Filthy Woman” (again, that’s the name given to Tonya Pinkins’ character on the press site, not mine) responds instead. We hear Walker Quinn’s gargling snarl, and she informs the group that she made him strong again. Morgan recognizes the woman’s voice. She already seems to know his name and “a lot” about him, which leads Al to surmise that she has the SWAT van with all the tapes inside.

According to “Filthy Woman,” the boxes Morgan has been leaving along the road make people weak. The assumption is that people will rise to face challenges when presented to them, but they can’t learn to overcome if they’re given handouts like the boxes. She knows that Morgan used to be someone who survived on his own and was made stronger for it, in her eyes. She then warns that if Morgan stops helping people, she won’t have to do what she needs to do to make him strong again. She’s a complicated character, but there’s a lot we still don’t know about her. For now, all her motivations seem… convenient. Morgan is trying to help people, and that makes her mad! Humph.

Victor’s dilemma is the storm itself. He and John ended up marooned at a ranger station after losing their car to a flash flood. John has since been crafting a boat from chopped-down tree trunks to try and cross the watery trench. Victor would prefer to remain at the station with what food rations he has than return to the world, and he’s even less inclined to help John when they find a giant alligator is lurking in the water, devouring anything that moves — including walkers. (Apparently, the CGI budget in this episode is relatively low because we only see the top of the gator’s head for a few seconds.) John mentions that the gator doesn’t have fear anymore: food (e.g., walkers) easily wander into its path, and its bigger predators have been wiped out. The fear, as the “Filthy Woman” might say, has made the beast stronger. Does Victor perform the selfless act of helping John reach safety in the face of such danger, or does he keep himself as the top priority?

Colman Domingo, by the way, needs better dialogue. “Early bird kills the dead”? “I drink to forget”? Coupled with his Broadway style of over-enunciation, it feels unoriginal and overacted. I would love to see him with better material.

Luciana literally says she has things to make up for, just so it’s clear. She goes in search of Charlie, tracking down the address labeled in one of the kid’s library books. She doesn’t find Charlie, who’s really with Alicia, and instead finds Clayton (a.k.a. Polar Bear), who crashed his car into a telephone pole during the storm and has been bleeding out ever since. She tries to help, but the car is the only thing keeping his body together.
(Recap continues on the next page.)

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Florence, Irma, ‘Monday Night Football,’ and NASCAR: 5 things you need to know Monday

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Editors, USA TODAY
Published 2:32 a.m. ET Sept. 10, 2018 | Updated 3:09 a.m. ET Sept. 10, 2018

A year after Irma, Americans face another big storm — and most aren’t ready

Hurricane Irma hit the U.S. mainland a year ago Monday, pummeling the Caribbean and Florida coast. Tourism officials say Florida is rebounding from $1.5 billion in lost spending, while a rare private-public partnership in the U.S. Virgin Islands has partially outpaced federal recovery efforts. But with Florence now aimed at the East Coast, FEMA’s top official warns the United States still lacks a “culture of preparedness” for such storms. Why? Americans aren’t motivated by disaster until it comes to, or through, their door, experts say.

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‘Monday Night Football’ returns with new faces in the booth

Freshly retired Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten joins a brand new announcing team for ESPN’s “Monday Night Football” as the Oakland Raiders host the Los Angeles Rams. Witten joins play-by-play announcer Joe Tessitore, who switched jobs with Sean McDonough, who went back to college games; on-field analyst Booger McFarland; and the only returning member of the team in sideline reporter Lisa Salters. The new team comes after analyst Jon Gruden left for a second stint as Oakland’s head coach.

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Attention all flyers: We’re now in the Fall Deal Zone

A round-trip flight from Chicago to London for September for under $350? That can only mean one thing: We’re in the Fall Deal Zone, that almost magical season starting Monday(ish) when even trans-Atlantic flights start looking cheap. On U.S. flights, fares will zoom just in time for the late November Thanksgiving holiday, while Europe deals will only get better until mid-December, when they rise for the Christmas/New Year’s holidays.

CLOSE

When it comes to airfare, it’s all about the timing.
Time

Nearly every teen in U.S. has a smartphone. Here’s how they use it.

A national survey from Common Sense Media finds smartphone ownership among teens has surged dramatically over the last few years. In 2012, less than half of teens owned a smartphone. Today, 89 percent of teens own one. Although it seems teens (and even some adults) can’t put down their smartphones, 47 percent of teens say they’re addicted to their device, while 24 percent say they’re hooked on social media. 

CLOSE

Smartphone path for annoying texters opens in China. Elizabeth Keatinge has more.
Buzz60

After a soggy setback, NASCAR’s Brickyard 400 to start Monday

Weather wreaked havoc on Indianapolis Motor Speedway this weekend forcing NASCAR to postpone both of its scheduled races at the track until Monday. The Brickyard 400, the final regular-season race of the Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series, is now scheduled to start Monday at 2 p.m. ET. This is the first time the Brickyard has been delayed a day by rain in the race’s 25-year history. Monday’s forecast doesn’t show any rain.

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Contributing: FareCompare.com, Associated Press

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Sweden’s ruling party hits election low as far right grows

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Associated Press

Published 2:32 a.m. ET Sept. 10, 2018

STOCKHOLM – Voters handed Sweden’s ruling party its worst-ever election result Sunday and delivered a parallel lift to a far-right party with white supremacist roots, leaving the ideological outline of the Scandinavian country’s next government uncertain.

After a campaign dominated by debates over immigration, the center-left Social Democratic Party emerged with the greatest share of the vote – 28.4 percent as the count neared completion – yet looking at holding fewer parliament seats and having its mandate to govern questioned.

The potential for an immigration backlash to result in a big boost for the far-right Sweden Democrats inspired fear among many Swedes before the election. It received a little more than one in six votes, or 17.6 percent. Its showing was not as strong as the one-in-five polls had predicted, but good for a third-place finish that had the party’s leader telling supporters, “We won.”

Prime Minister Stefan Lofven, who brought the Social Democrats to power in 2014, said he intended to remain in the job. The leader of the Moderates party that came in second, Ulf Kristersson, already had called on Lofven to resign and claimed the right to form Sweden’s next government.

Sounding somber and firm, Lofven told his supporters the election presented “a situation that all responsible parties must deal with,” adding that “a party with roots in Nazism” would “never ever offer anything responsible, but hatred.”

“We have a moral responsibility. We must gather all good forces. We won’t mourn, we will organize ourselves,” he said.

Final election returns were expected later in the week. The preliminary results made it unlikely any party would secure a majority of 175 seats in the 349-seat Riksdag, Sweden’s parliament. It could take weeks or months of coalition talks before the next government is formed.

Both the left-leaning bloc led by the Social Democrats and the center-right bloc in which the Moderates is largest of four parties have said they would refuse to consider the Sweden Democrats as a coalition partner.

Sweden – home to the Nobel prizes and militarily neutral for the better part of two centuries – has been known for its comparatively open doors to migrants and refugees. Sunday’s general election was the first since the country of 10 million took in a record 163,000 refugees in 2015 as mass migration to Europe rose dramatically.

Lofven eventually said Sweden no longer could cope with the influx and immigration laws were tightened. 

Like other far-right parties in Europe, the Sweden Democrats worked to soften its neo-Nazi image in the lead-up to the election. The party symbol was switched from a flame thrower to a flower. Members known for making pro-Third Reich statements were pushed out.

It made its first mark in politics with municipal council seats in 2006, and since then slowly helped revise long-accepted social norms for what Swedes could say openly about foreigners and integration without being considered racist.

At the Swedish Democrat’s election eve rally Saturday, party leader Jimmie Akesson criticized Lofven’s government for “prioritizing” the needs of new immigrants the ones of Swedish citizens.

Akesson was jubilant as he addressed supporters a day later, declaring the estimated 14 parliament seats the Social Democrats picked up a victory other parties could not ignore in coalition negotiations.

“This party has increased and made the biggest gains. Everything is about us,” Akesson said. “I am ready to talk with others”

Turnout in the election was reported at 84.4 percent, up from 83 percent in 2014.

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Olsen reported from Copenhagen, Denmark. Jeff Schaeffer and Philipp Jenne in Stockholm, Jari Tanner in Helsinki and Vanessa Gera in Warsaw contributed.

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NFL: Colin Kaepernick thanks Miami Dolphins duo for kneeling during anthem

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Kenny Stills and Albert Wilson knee before their first game of the season against Tennessee Titans

Colin Kaepernick has thanked Miami Dolphins duo Kenny Stills and Albert Wilson after they kneeled during the US national anthem on Sunday.

It comes after Nike decided to use Kaepernick as the face of a new campaign.

Kaepernick was the first NFL player to kneel during the national anthem to highlight racial injustice.

“Their courage will move the world forward,” tweeted former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Kaepernick.

“My Brothers @kstills and @ithinkisee12 continue to show their unwavering strength by fighting for the oppressed! They have not backed down, even when attacked and intimidated. Love is at the root of our resistance.”

Elsewhere on the first weekend of the NFL season, some players raised a fist during the The Star-Spangled Banner, while others stayed in the tunnel.

President Donald Trump, a long-time critic of Kaepernick and the protests, tweeted on Sunday: “Wow, NFL first game ratings are way down over an already really bad last year comparison. Viewership declined 13%, the lowest in over a decade. If the players stood proudly for our Flag and Anthem, and it is all shown on broadcast, maybe ratings could come back? Otherwise worse!”

During pre-season the NFL said plans to fine players for anthem protests had been put on hold and ESPN has reported that a policy will not be introduced this season.

Kaepernick has accused NFL team owners of conspiring not to hire him because of his protests, which started in 2016.

The 30-year-old has been without a team since opting out of his 49ers contract in March 2017.

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Libya: Blasts heard at National Oil Corporation’s Tripoli offices

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Blasts were heard at the headquarters of the National Oil Corporation (NOC) in the Libyan capital on Monday morning and a security operation is under way at the building, a witness told Reuters news agency.

Smoke could be seen rising from close to the NOC offices and security officials said they were attempting to deal with gunmen believed to have attacked the building.

Posts on social media showed photos of wounded people being carried from the scene, and security forces blocking the roads around the headquarters. 

Tripoli was shaken by clashes between rival armed groups at the beginning of this month but the capital has also seen occasional attacks.

In May, Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL, also known as ISIS) claimed a deadly attack on the national election commission offices in Tripoli.

More soon …

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The Shameless shameless rankings: Frank spreads the love — and STDs

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Shameless

type
TV Show
Genre
Comedy, Drama
run date
01/09/11
performer
William H. Macy, Emmy Rossum
broadcaster
Showtime
seasons
8
tvpgr
TV-MA


We gave it a B+

STDs, Gay Jesus, yoga sex, and teenagers in diapers can only mean one thing — Shameless is back!

America’s favorite hilariously dysfunctional family returned on Sunday for their ninth (!!!) season. And to celebrate another summer with the Gallaghers, EW decided to debut a new weekly recap called “The Shameless shameless rankings.” How does it work? Well, the title kind of gives it away, but after each episode, we’ll rank these lovely degenerates from most to least shameless (Frank can’t be No. 1 every time, can he?).

So grab a beer, bail your sibling out of prison, and find out how shameless your favorite Gallagher was this week.

1. Frank

For a man we last saw covered in s—, Frank is flourishing. The Gallagher patriarch literally has more fancy silverware and romantic partners than he knows what to do with. But, unsurprisingly, his sexual parade through the PTA at Liam’s school leads to the Holy Trinity of STD outbreaks. At first, it looks like the finger might not get pointed at Frank as the other parents admit affairs with each other. Eventually, though, Frank is outed as the Wilt Chamberlain of the group, causing the men to turn on him. “I did you a favor,” asserts Frank. “My penis might have actually helped you to heal.” Well, after using his penis to help them heal, he uses his words, turning the IV session into group therapy. And it works! Gay affairs are revealed, marriages are saved, and Frank gets kicked in his healing region. “Who knew that STDs could bring so much happiness?” Amen, Frank.

2. Kevin

Kevin has decided to treat his daughters as if they are dogs so that he can have sex with Veronica. I feel like I don’t have to say anymore.

3. Lip

Lip is really trying. Trying to be sober, trying to be a good parental figure, trying to be the best best man. He also tries to have sober sex and that doesn’t go quite as well as the others. His closet hookup with Tami, the maid of honor at Brad’s wedding, is dirty, literally, as she throws up on him mid-intercourse. He later tries to be a good man and ask Tami out on a traditional date, but he’s too boring for her and he apparently “f—s for s—.” Um, I’d say Mandy, that professor, Karen, Amanda, that pedophile teacher, Sierra, and the other Mandy would disagree.

4. Debbie

Diapers are no longer just for babies and the elderly. Pampers’ new marketing campaign could be centered around the ability to make more money per hour after Debbie successfully fights for equal pay by wearing a diaper to work. You know the classic Notorious B.I.G. song, “Mo Money Mo Diapers.”

5. Fiona

Welcome to the beginning of the end for Fiona Gallagher on Shameless. Before we discuss Fiona’s premiere activities, let’s pay tribute to Emmy Rossum, who recently announced that she’ll be leaving the series at the end of season 9. While William H. Macy is the big name and Frank is the comedic highlight, Rossum has grounded the series and served as the true heart of Shameless. It really is a crime that she was never even nominated for an Emmy. Like, how could the Emmys not honor an Emmy?

There will be plenty more time to say goodbye to Rossum and Fiona, so let’s catch up with her busy season 9 premiere. Currently on her plate is her blossoming relationship with Ford, continuing the upkeep on her building, and working to bail Ian out of jail. All three of those intersect as Fiona is having the building appraised so she can get a loan against it to put up Ian’s bail money, which Ford doesn’t think is a very good idea. Speaking of Ford, he’s turned Fiona into the jealous type as she becomes rightfully suspicious upon finding out that he has two phones. This leads to her trying to get into his phone by using the facial scan while he sleeps and accidentally dropping the phone into the toilet. But stop worrying because it’s only so he can talk with his international-living mom. And also don’t worry because he brought peace burritos!

6. Ian

Ford’s concern over Fiona bailing out Ian might be well founded since Ian can’t even assure his sister that he will show up for court because who knows where God will take him. He also doesn’t seem to be in a rush to get out of jail considering the movement he’s started inside. He’s successfully put the gay inmates on protest, forcing the other prisoners to treat them with respect if they want to continue their sexual relationships. This was a very interesting storyline, but the whole time I couldn’t stop wondering if that is Glen “Big Baby” Davis playing Ian’s enforcer Jules?!?! Does that make Ian his new Brian Scalabrine?

7. Carl

I never thought I’d see the day that Carl would be the second least shameless person on Shameless. Is it bad that I miss the days of him with cornrows and drug dealing? He seems to be killing it at military school, that is until one of his cadets possibly kills Kassidi. Yes, she was annoying, but damn that seems excessive. But also cheaper than a divorce!

8. Liam

Most kids set up lemonade stands, but if you’re Liam Gallagher, you set up a stand at recess to return fancy silverware that your father stole from your friends after he slept with their moms. He really is the anti-Gallagher. It might be time for another paternity test.

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